


An Unexpected Letter

by Hannibalsimago, purplesocrates



Category: Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Jagten | The Hunt (2012), Rejseholdet | Unit One
Genre: Alcohol, Allan is a jerk but doesn't stay that way, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, EatTheRare, M/M, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rejsehunt, Semi-Public Sex, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 09:41:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15482955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannibalsimago/pseuds/Hannibalsimago, https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplesocrates/pseuds/purplesocrates
Summary: Second part in the Love Between the Shadow and the Soul collectionAllan is abruptly reminded of a painful time in his past. Something he's thought has been dealt with and over, done and dusted. How wrong he is.In reaction, he uses Lucas as an emotional punching bag until a shared hiking trip which is supposed to be relaxing turns suddenly dangerous. The experience forces Allan to examine his recent actions toward Lucas and feelings about himself as well as the future of their relationship.This story follows from "A Flexible Arrangement." It can be read as a stand alone but the background/backstory will make more sense if you read the first part.





	An Unexpected Letter

Things between them had never been so good, verging on comfortable. This made Allan nervous even though he’d never admit it. He had never been very good at relationships, always looking over his shoulder at other possibilities, and putting work ahead of everything else. But with Lucas it was different. Things felt easy. When he wasn’t with Lucas he missed him, thought about him and always worried whether he was okay. In addition to all that, the sex was incredible. It made the connection between them even stronger. Lucas was so open to new things and it made Allan love being with him. Nothing seemed to be off the table when it came to sex as long as Allan approached him with a little care and patience.  

 

Allan had decided what he wanted to try next and he knew he’d have to approach Lucas delicately. He loved to edge Lucas, to prolong the pleasure between them for as long as possible. The moans and noises he could extract from Lucas were like music. He got hard just thinking about them. Allan thought the best way to approach this would be to plan a trip out of town. Allan had been under some stress lately anyway and needed to get away.

 

There had been a shakeup in the police administration at high levels with a new focus on transparency both inside the agency and with community outreach. Forgotten heroes and overlooked officers passed by for one (unspoken) reason or another were the focus of the new agenda. Allan thought it was all a political song and dance and he had seen it all. He attended the office meetings about the new policies because they were mandatory. It was all lip service anyway. And that’s when he got the letter. He was being awarded for his work in the last case with his old team. It stirred up a lot of painful memories and unwanted emotions. He would have to see them all again, make a speech. He wanted to refuse it, have as little to do with it as possible, completely content to tell them to fuck off and stay home to get pleasantly drunk. When he made that joking suggestion to his commanding officer, he was told his attendance was required.

 

Lucas, as always, had known what to say to calm him down and had told him he deserved the recognition. It was a few months away and Allan needed some space to think. He was sure that a hiking and camping trip with Lucas would be the best way to work through some of these emotions. They could get away, get some air and maybe he’d feel better about the whole thing. Regardless he and Lucas could indulge in some outdoor fun. Allan smiled to himself as he placed the order for a new toy.

 

If he had asked Lucas about any of this, he would have gotten a different version of how their relationship had shifted. They hadn’t spent much time together, especially in the past month. Allan had stopped coming over and any attempts by Lucas to spend more than an hour or two with him were met with excuses.

 

Lucas was almost beginning to wonder if there was someone else, but pushed those thoughts aside as being ridiculous. As Allan pulled back, so did Lucas. It was easier leaving him alone, texting less and calling even less than that. _‘How can I call him when he rebuffs me at every turn?’_ asked a perplexed Lucas to himself.

 

He was surprised at Allan’s suggestion of a getaway weekend and the thought filled him with a giddy glee. Allan didn’t give Lucas much notice of the trip as if he was afraid of being rebuffed. Nothing was further from the truth. Lucas mentally kicked himself for not thinking of the idea and making the suggestion earlier himself. In the end, it wasn’t important who made the suggestion as long as it helped both of them reconnect.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

A week later they were getting packed up at Allan’s place. Lucas was trying to find the camping stove which Allan claimed was in the cupboard under the stairs. Lucas kept searching, but no luck.  “Allan!” he shouted from the under the stairs as he lifted up various bags and boxes. “I don’t see it.”

 

Allan hears Lucas banging cupboards and shouting from outside. He sighs and an irritated thought flickers to life, _‘Use your eyes. Do I have to do everything myself?’_ Making his way back to the house, he sees Lucas’ ass sticking from out of the cupboard as he’s rummaging around. Allan can’t help but smirk, feeling his bad mood dissipate. “You know there’s a light, right?”

 

“Where? Ow!”  Lucas shouts as he bangs his head on the ceiling of the cupboard, barely missing the lightbulb. He turns rubbing his head and swearing a blue streak. Allan steps closer and has Lucas bend down so he can look at the top of his head.

 

“So clumsy.” Allan says smiling as he runs his hands through Lucas’ soft hair to check for any lumps or cuts but it seems fine. “You’re all good.” He murmurs and kisses the top of his head gently.

 

“Well if you were less messy.” Lucas complains.

 

Allan frowns, looked behind Lucas and immediately spotting the camping stove. “It’s right there,” he says.

 

Lucas turns, sees it and grins, “How’d I miss that?” _‘Too much on my mind! A painful reminder to stay in the present this weekend,’_ Lucas realized.

 

Allan laughs, leans forward and gives Lucas a chaste kiss on the lips. Lucas blinks, inwardly delighted. Allan picks up the stove and carries it to the van, leaving Lucas behind still rubbing his head. Lucas grabs the final bag and makes his way outside. He finds Allan standing there, rearranging the car, cramming the stove next to the cooler without much care.

 

“Allan?” He asks as he places the bag next to the van. “Everything okay? You seem tense.”

 

“I’m fine, just eager to get going.” Allan responds, grabbing the final bag and tossing it into the van. “Are _you_ okay? Is your head okay?”  

 

Lucas sighs and nods. He strongly suspects its to do with the letter, but Lucas is worried Allan is using this trip as an excuse to run away from his problems rather than confront them. He remembered seeing the crumpled letter, first in the trash and then on the table in the living room. “I’m fine. Do we have everything?”

 

Allan gives Lucas a look as if he could read the thought that just went through Lucas’ head. Lucas wonders if his facial expression changed because it’s like an electrical switch just cut off. The dynamic between them changes instantly. He tenses up, his skins prickles, on edge not sure what Allan is going to say next. “God, I hope so.” Allan mutters, making Lucas want to shout back before deciding to take a deep breath and let it go.  “Come on. Let’s lock up and get going.” Allan says as he pushes past Lucas to go inside.

 

Lucas looks to the sky and sighs out loud wishing for patience. “Wait for me. I’ll check upstairs. I need to use the toilet anyway,” Lucas calls after him.

 

“Of course you do.” Allan says, he swears he spends most of his life waiting for Lucas to pee.

 

“Allan!” Lucas catches up with him and put his hand on his shoulder “Stop muttering, if I have annoyed you just tell me.”

 

“Sorry” Allan says and takes a deep breath. He knows he is being aggravating, but he can’t seem to help it. He smiles at Lucas “I just want to be out of here, that’s all.”

 

“I know. Just a last check to see if we have everything and we can go,”  Lucas says gently.

 

“Fine.” Allan says with a tight smile that does not quite reach his eyes, Lucas sighs as he watches Allan walk inside.

 

\--------------------------------

 

The car is filled with awkwardness as if they are strangers. Lucas misses their easy camaraderie. He cringes at how withdrawn Allan is and tells himself he needs to be patient. Even so, the surly act is starting to get real boring. Preoccupied with his thoughts, he doesn’t notice the scenery until just before they turn down the gravel road leading to their campsite for the weekend.

 

It’s a beautiful spot which makes Allan smile for the first time since they set off. Getting out of the car, Lucas immediately stretches catlike, reminiscent of their yoga classes and sees Allan watching him intently, a smile reaching his hazel eyes. The car is quickly unpacked between the two of them. Lucas chuckles to see that Allan is still as inept at pitching a tent as he was on their first vacation. Lucas digs out the bottle of scotch he brought with him and shoos Allan away so he can finish with the tent setup. Allan busies himself with the rest of the unpacking. After they finish Allan waves two metal camping mugs at Lucas and grins as he pours two fingers for each of them. They clink mugs and Lucas breathes a sigh of relief as Allan finally seems to be relaxing.

 

As Allan sips his whiskey, Lucas makes them dinner. There is a gentle, comfortable silence between them as they watch the sunset. Lucas pulls sandwich fixings out of the cooler: sourdough slices, ham, mustard and the last of the lettuce, deftly assembling them. He picks up the head of lettuce and smiles at his blatant attempt to get more vegetables into Allan’s diet. Plating the sandwiches up, he hands Allan his dinner and notices his chuckle at the lettuce. They sit side by side watching the stars come out. Allan fumbles for his pack of smokes, taking one out with his usual elegance and lighting it with a long stick which wound up in the fire.

 

“It really is beautiful here.”  Allan says and puts his arm around Lucas who smiles at the contact.

 

“It is. Good choice. Are you feeling better now?” Lucas asks as he leans more into Allan’s embrace.

 

“Yes,”  Allan replies , his voice quiet “Sorry, I know I’ve been difficult lately.”

 

“It’s okay. I understand.” He appreciates the apology and knows how persistent negative thoughts can be, a constant reminder of past trauma. He wishes Allan would open up about it instead of bottling it all up and being annoyed with him. He decides to at least try now that Allan seemed more relaxed. “You can talk to me you know?” Lucas says gently but as the words leave his mouth he feels Allan tensing. “You don’t have to, but I just want you to know you can.”

 

Allan sits quietly, then takes another sip of whiskey. “What is there to say?”

 

“Whatever you want. Whatever you need to. I’m here for you,” Lucas says.

 

“I just want to not think about it for a while.” Allan looks into the distance and Lucas senses him pulling away.

 

All that irritation Lucas had during the drive came flooding back. He wants to tell Allan that he needs to talk about it, that running away doesn’t fix anything. He’d help him if he’d only open up. Yet he knew if he pushes, Allan’s going to explode so instead he just nods, “Okay.”

 

“Thank you,” says Allan. Lucas sighs, feeling cut off again. ‘ _This can’t go on. Maybe tomorrow will be better._ ’ prays Lucas.

 

\----

 

The next day they wake up with the sunrise. But Lucas’ optimistic hopes are soon dashed as Allan’s bad mood returns with a vengeance. He’s surly and snapping. Lucas feels as if he is walking on eggshells. He decides to try to rise above it by suggesting a hike. It might help Allan get rid of some of this nervous energy. _‘It could work,’_ Lucas thinks.

  
“It’s a beautiful day, don’t you think?” Lucas asks as he puts the coffee mugs away.

 

Allan nods but doesn’t say anything.

 

“Where’s the map?” Lucas asks. Getting no response he repeats “Allan? Where’s the map?”

 

Allan huffs and mumbles under his breath. Lucas takes a deep breath and holds it in internally, counting to ten. _‘Enough with all the just out of earshot insults.’_ He lets out his breath, letting go of the negativity and pleads  “Allan. Will you please stop muttering! I was just asking where the map was.”

 

“Why don’t you ever know where anything is?” Allan quips and rubs his temple as if to ward off a headache, then turning to look at Lucas.

 

“You packed.” Lucas counters trying to keep his tone even.

 

“I always pack.”

 

“If you wanted me to do it, all you had to do was ask.” Lucas is doing his best to not point out the reason Allan packed is because he’s a control freak and every time Lucas packs it’s always ‘wrong’. “Where is the map?”

 

Allan looks at Lucas, such an open and sweet look on his face and he cracks a little. He knows he is doing it again, being all snippy with him. He looks down at the ground for a moment and tells himself to ‘ _stop doing this.’_ He makes his way over to Lucas, putting his hand on the nape of Lucas’ hair. “It’s in my pack. Sorry. I know where we are going. Okay? Trust me?”

 

Lucas smiles and sighs, leaning into the touch, “Of course.”  

 

Hours later, Lucas thinks, ‘ _it was a very stupid decision_.’ Granted, the sight in front of him was delectable, but it wasn’t enough to tamp down his unease.

 

He’s sure they’re lost. On the top of a mountain. In the oncoming fog. He remembers the warning sign back down at the foot of the trail about the mountain lions being spotted in the area and shudders. The only way he wants to get eaten is by his boyfriend and even that isn’t looking too likely.

 

“Umm, Allan?”

 

No response. Selective hearing.

 

“Allan, please. Can we stop?”

 

“Allan!” Lucas hates this feeling like he was a little kid again trying to get the attention of an adult. He knows Allan is hurting, but there’s no reason for him to act like this. He reaches out to touch his lover’s arm and jumps back when Allan whirls around and hisses “What? What now?”

 

“That’s not fair. You’re so far in your head you don’t know what’s going on.”

 

Suddenly, Allan is very much up close and personal. Lucas feels his pulse speeding up but holds his ground. He flexes his fingers, opening and closing them quickly trying to dissipate tension.

 

“What are you bleating about? No one trusts me. I said I know what I’m doing!”

 

Lucas’s face goes ashen and his stomach drops. He grabs both Allan’s arms and gives him a small shake.

 

“No, Allan. I’ve been watching you. You haven’t gotten out the topographical map in hours. We are off the trail, in the fog. Did you realize we’re fogged in? There are dangerous animals out here.”

 

“You’re overreacting again.”

 

Allan can _see_ himself hurting Lucas and part of him doesn’t want to stop. His thoughts are telling him that he doesn’t deserve him, and he should kick Lucas to the curb before he gets wise and sees him for the loser he is. He knows it’s all the repressed feelings from what  happened at Rejseholdet coming to the surface but he doesn’t know how to shut them off.

 

 _‘That’s the last straw!’_ thinks Lucas. Without hesitation his hand reaches back and he slaps Allan across his face, hard enough to make it sting, bringing the other man out of himself.

 

“I will not be blamed for something I didn’t do! Never again! Don’t tell me how I’m feeling! Now give me the fucking topographical map or I’ll take it out of your pack myself. I’m going back down and right now I really don’t care whether you come with me or get eaten by a mountain lion.”

 

Allan stands stunned. His face is pale except for a split bleeding lip and a large red hand-shaped mark on the side of his face which throbs and stings. He shakes his head as if to clear it and rubs his jaw, running a finger along his gum line along the inside of his mouth, wincing at the cut his teeth made when he got slapped.

 

“I’m bleeding,” he whispers.

 

“Serves you right,” as Lucas made a move to grab the backpack from Allan’s shoulders.

 

“Wait,” Allan says and holds up his hands in a “I surrender” sign and shrugs off the pack watches it thud on the ground. He unzips it and takes out the map, putting it under his arm.

 

He straightens up, taking the map out from under his arm and says “I deserved that and so much more Lucas. Will you kiss me please and make it hurt before we go back down?”

 

“You’re infuriating!“ Lucas takes a few steps forward, grasping Allan’s face with both of his hands and brutally sticks his tongue in his mouth, searching for the cut. Finding it, he jabs, pokes and prods it with his tongue, tasting the blood mixing with his saliva. He hears Allan’s hurt little noises and grunts but keeps at it until the other is a boneless mess in his arms. He pulls back and Allan puts his head on Lucas’s shoulder, his whole body shivering.

 

“Stop it! Or I’ll slap you again. We are not safe and you’ve a hell of a lot to answer for, Allan Fischer,” Lucas whispers grabbing his lover’s hair and pulling **_hard._ **

 

Allan grunts, tears fill his eyes and then both men hear it, the growl of a mountain lion coming from somewhere up the trail.

 

“You lead,” Allan whispers.

 

“Is that--what I think it is?”

 

He released Allan who doesn’t say anything except a whispered “Yes.”

 

“I’m not even going to ask you right now how you know what a mountain lion sounds like. From what I read best advice is to not run,”  Lucas says, “And to appear intimidating.”

 

“We passed a stream about fifty meters from here. Can they swim?”

 

“Yes, I think they are like tigers in that regard.”

 

“Shit.”

 

They hear a crunch of what could be twigs or stones under foot of the lion, this time seemingly from a different direction.

 

“With this fog, it’s hard to know where they might be.”

 

“Lucas, can we put some distance between us and it? I don’t like standing around. We can brainstorm while we move.”

 

“We’ve got no phone reception up here. Stay close to me.”

 

Both men head off, Lucas in the lead with the map, Allan close behind.

 

“Do they hunt in packs?”

 

“Oh Christ! I don’t even want to think about that! I don’t think so though.”

 

After Allan crashes through a clump of scrub, Lucas complains, “Can't you be quieter?”

 

Allan hisses,“You’ve got to be fucking joking! I thought I heard something off to my left. I was looking in that direction for a charge, not looking ahead.”

 

“Don’t swear at me! I need you to keep quiet, look ahead and move as quick as you can without running.”

 

“Sorry! Wait! Can they climb trees?  Look there’s the stream.”

 

“Yes they climb trees.”

 

“Lucas, how do you know so much about big dangerous cats?”

 

“‘Cuz I was a school teacher.”

 

As they continue to make their way downhill, they hear the low-pitched rumble of the animal again, all base notes, making their bones ache. The noise comes closer this time from the right.

 

“Right. We’ve got hours to go to get to the campsite. This isn’t working. I don’t think we can keep this up. I am going to throw some rocks around and make some noise to scare it.”

 

Lucas picks up part of a rotten piece of deadfall, hurling it far off to the left while giving a blood curdling shout. Allan finds a scree of stones and gravel from the stream and flings them while swearing at the top of his lungs. Both men keep making noise, kicking and throwing rocks or other pieces of wood. Lucas starts to jump up and down and Allan nearly falls over laughing at the sight. He bites down on his lip so hard to stop laughing, he’s bleeding again.

 

Just as he’s about to say something, they hear a low almost inaudible hiss followed by a scream which instantly raises the hackles on the backs of their necks. Allan sees something moving in the fog toward them.

 

“That’s it!” Allan tears off his pack, hollers “fuck you asshole!” and throws his pack in the direction of the shape. Lucas watches all of this in slow motion as he’s grabbed by Allan and none too gently hustled away down the faint signs of a path. The last thing Allan sees is the shape lope off in the other direction after the bag.

 

They both break into a full-on headlong run as they can hear sounds of growls and the tearing of fabric. Allan is practically shoving Lucas down the trail. Neither says anything, saving their breath for running and not wanting to draw any more attention to themselves.

 

After tripping over a tree root, Allan nearly falls on top of Lucas, throwing himself to the side at the last minute. They blow and pant while Allan makes sure he hasn’t hurt himself. Both men are shivering with adrenaline. Allan’s stomach is sick with it. _‘Probably Lucas feels the same way.’_ He realizes he doesn’t want to ask the question, even ‘how are you?’ is too much.

 

“Your pack!” says Lucas.

 

“No!” Allan hisses while rising and continues to pull Lucas down the hill. “Forget it!  It’s distracted. Let’s just get going.”

 

“It has all our food in it.” Lucas laments.

 

“That’s why I threw it. Better our food than us. Less talking more running.”

 

As they make their way further down the path the fog begins to clear. They can see a little better. The silence between them, however, only seems to get thicker. Allan tries a couple of times to speak to Lucas but he just goes on slightly ahead of them, anger buzzing around his head like flies. Allan knows this is all his fault. His shame and guilt mixed with the hunger are starting to make him feel sick. He just wants to reach out to Lucas and touch him, take his hand, embrace him and tell him he’s sorry. Every time he goes to move his hand to stop Lucas, he stops himself. Something in him isn’t ready to open the floodgates.

 

Lucas can feel Allan brooding behind him but his sympathy has run out. ‘ _We were almost killed for god’s sake! Yes, his quick thinking saved us but if he had just listened to me in the first place, we would never have been in that situation.’_ If something had happened to Allan, he doesn't know what he would have done. He has lost so much and found Allan. Lucas just wants Allan to talk to him, to open up so they can work through all of this together. However looking at him right now, Lucas knows it’s pointless.  He's too angry, hungry and tired.

 

Eventually they get back to their camp and Lucas immediately goes about making them dinner. Allan gently touches Lucas’ shoulder and asks “Can I help?”

 

Without turning around Lucas shakes his head, “You’ve done quite enough.”  

 

Allan frowns but leaves Lucas to it as he watches him slam the lid of the cooler closed. Allan finds the whiskey and pours two mugs, leaving one for Lucas where he can see it. He starts the fire while Lucas cooks on the campstove. He walks over to the tent and unzips it, rummaging around in his things to find his pack of cigarettes. He slides one out and puts the pack back where he found it, putting a cigarette in his mouth and letting it dangle from his lips while he walks back to the fire. He hopes the familiar ritual will calm him, allow him to think. He promised Lucas he’d try to cut back and his solution has been to have a smoke when he drinks. He picks up a long stick from the woodpile and holds it close to the fire before bringing it up to his face to light his cigarette. As he sits gulping the smoke, pulling it deep in his lungs, he stares into the fire drinking, trying to order his thoughts. He knows he needs to apologise for the mountain lion, but also for the way he’s been acting lately.

 

As he sits by the fire listening to Lucas cook them dinner, he tries to figure out where all this is coming from. He knows he’s scared of commitment. All he needs to do is look at his failed marriage and past relationships. He was always looking for something better or feeling less than worthy. The thing is, he knows that’s not the case here. He is happy. That’s the problem. He isn’t used to happy.  He doesn’t know how to do happy. He frowns, plucking the cigarette from his lips, holding it between his fingers on his left hand while his other picks up the mug of whiskey, and a few minutes later putting the now emptied mug on the ground.

 

Lucas appears with a plate of chips and cowboy caviar, handing it to Allan who gratefully takes it. “Thank you. I’ve always liked this recipe of yours,” he mumbles and Lucas nods, a wisp of a smile flickering across his face and gone. Allan tosses what’s left of his cigarette into the fire. They eat in silence, both too hungry to talk. Once they’re finished, Lucas sighs, looking at Allan who is just stares at the fire.

 

“You need to talk to me Allan. This cannot go on.” Lucas says this softly, his temper calmed with a full stomach. But he has no intention of letting this go on a moment longer.

 

“Now you want to talk.” Allan says and frowns, ‘ _Why can’t I stop myself!’_

 

“Allan stop being defensive. We could have died today! You realise that?” Lucas is sounding less calm now but is managing to keep himself in check. He knows that he needs to stay calm because Allan probably won’t. “You ignored me and accused me of something I didn’t do. You know how that makes me feel.”

 

Hearing Lucas makes Allan feel worse. He wants to curl into a ball and hide away from the world but he knows he can’t do it this time. If he does, he risks losing the best thing that has ever happened to him. Allan takes a deep breath and keeps looking at the fire, unable to look at Lucas as tears threaten to spill from his eyes. “I know,” he says, unable to control the quaver in his voice. “I am sorry. I knew what I was doing. It was like I was on the outside watching myself and I didn’t know how to stop. I knew it was wrong. I was trying to hurt you and I am sorry.”

 

Lucas frowns as he can see how hard this is for Allan.  He takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Why? Why are you lashing out? You must know by now that I am here for you, that I want to help you, support you. After everything we have both been through who understands you better than I?”

 

Allan knows Lucas is right. It’s what makes them work so well. They both understand loss and pain. They both know what it is like to lose everything. “I know, I know that but I guess-” He sighs and puts his head in his hands. Without looking up at Lucas, his quiet voice says, “I was trying to push you away before you decided on your own to leave me. Because everyone leaves. There’s never been anyone afraid of losing me. Ever.” His voice trails off as he tries to order his thoughts, Lucas remains quiet knowing this is going to take Allan some time. “I can’t help it. I just fall into old patterns of behaviour and I know it’s wrong but I just can't seem to stop myself. I want to but I can’t. ”

 

“That letter brought everything back.” Lucas says softly, now also staring into the fire.

 

A pause stretches out between them like a river which neither seems to be able to cross until Allan finally looks at Lucas. The firelight dances on his skin. He looks so beautiful, so fragile. It hurts Allan that he has been treating him so terribly. The memories of the past run before his eyes, La Cour and the team, his ex wife and everything that happened with Johnny. All that loss and pain, the anger and the feeling of betrayal. He realises that it is all in the past now. He smiles at the epiphany. Allan looks at his future in the dimming light while the tears begin to flow in earnest.

 

“The thing is Lucas-” The sound of Allan crying makes Lucas turn his head to meet glassy eyes, “I am happy with us. It makes me realise that maybe I have never been truly happy before, not like this.” Allan reaches out and takes Lucas’ hand causing Lucas to drop his glasses on the ground, “and I am absolutely terrified.”

 

Lucas can finally see the open honesty from Allan and he wants to grab him and kiss him but he knows he can’t just let Allan push everything away again. He needs to confront this. “I know that Allan, I know you are scared but you cannot push me away. I can’t be your emotional punching bag.”

 

Allan looks away, letting go of Lucas’ hand. He knows Lucas is right, that one apology isn’t going to make up for everything that has happened. He cannot expect to just kiss and make up which solves nothing. “I don’t want you to be.” Allan says his voice a whisper.

 

“Then talk to me. We are not going to have sex like we usually do until you are open and honest with me.” Allan looks up at that. “Well that’s what we do. We are in a pattern of arguing and then using physical intimacy to replace emotional intimacy and if we are ever going to make this work, that needs to change. You need to tell me how you are feeling!”

 

Allan bites the inside of his injured cheek to stop himself from lashing out again or making a joke. He studies Lucas’ face and knows that with one misstep here, everything will change between them. It’s his issue, his problem. Which would he rather have in his life? Looking at it like that he realizes there is no other answer. It’s Lucas, it’s always been Lucas.

 

“Okay,” he breathes.

 

“Start at the beginning. How did you feel when you got the letter?” Lucas takes Allan’s hand in his and gently grasps it.

 

Allan can vividly remember the day it came, seeing it and knowing exactly what it was before he even opened it. It felt like a black hole had opened up at his feet threatening to swallow him whole. He had just stared at it for who knows how long, his hands shaking as he re-lived everything he’d been through. His body responded and his stomach heaved. He had run to the toilet and vomited violently, sitting on the bathroom floor as his head pounded in a vice until all he could bring up was bile. Afterward, he sat clutching the bowl and crying, huge choking sobs, gasping, trying to remember to breathe. Eventually, he had managed to stand up, and make his way to the sink, splash some water on his face and rinse his mouth. He walked to the lounge as if he were a prisoner anticipating a firing squad, poured himself a drink and opened the letter.

He comes back to himself and takes a deep breath. “Like I was right back there, it was like I could feel the punches again. I feel my bones breaking; everything comes back. The helplessness, the fear and terror. Afterward, once I hadn’t said anything for awhile to you, then I felt the betrayal. Then it changed to being so lonely and finally the anger. Not a pretty picture.”

 

“I am sorry.”  Lucas says his voice soft as he understands what Allan has been through, he takes Allan’s hand gently in his, hearing the pain in Allan’s voice and seeing it in his eyes. “I can imagine how hard that would have been going through all that again. I want to help you, I want to be there for you.”

 

“I know.” Allan says. He does, that’s the problem. He’s not unintelligent, unfeeling. If anything, he feels too much and has paid a bitter price for it. He wishes he were a different type of man, one who didn’t have such a hard time letting Lucas in. It’s his survival mechanism forged over the years. Thinking about letting go of it makes his head hurt. Lucas’ voice breaks him out of his ruminations.

 

“But the thing is Allan,” Lucas says softly still holding his hand, “you should have called me. The moment you saw that letter you should have called me.”

 

“What could you have done? It was all in the past.”

 

“I would have been there for you. If you don’t let me in then I cannot help you.”

 

Allan smarts at that, the thought never entered his head to call Lucas, he just dealt with it on his own and then pretended everything was fine. “It’s just that it never occured to me.”

 

“What?” Lucas asks softly.

 

“To call you. I just never thought to call you.” His voice is quavering, his eyes threatening to spill over with his tears, all of which make Lucas’ heart break.

 

Lucas brings Allan’s hand close to his chest “Look at me,” he says and Allan turns his head to meet Lucas’s eyes. “I am not them, I am not him. I will not betray you. Ever. You need to understand that. I am not going anywhere no matter how much you push me away.”  

 

Allan takes those words in and realises that Lucas is right, he has spent all this time building up walls and assuming that he is going to get hurt again. He is living his life waiting for that mountain lion to come and rip it all away from him. “You need to acknowledge the anger you feel if you are ever going to move on. You deserve that award Allan and so much more. It’s important you realise that.”

 

“You’re right. It’s so hard though. They played with me as if I was a pawn, ruined my career.” Allan can feel the bitterness burning through him like fire. He remembers the feeling of betrayal like a nightmare he cannot wake up from him. It haunts him, taints everything. He can feel the anger as he speaks, the bile rising. “All that lip service as to how it was one big family! All they wanted was what I could do.” Allan’s voice has gotten quiet as if he is weighed down by these words, finally pushing them up and out from the depths of his broken heart. “They didn’t want me. I was a problem for them. Someone to laugh at, make disparaging remarks about. But the worst thing? It hurt _my son_! Lucas, my son!” Allan remembers feeling that loss every day, seeing his face and knowing he was missing him grow up, that he might resent Allan when this was all over and there was nothing he could do about it. “I missed him so much! All that time gone. No one came to see me, not once.”  Spitting the sentences out, he understands that all that anger he has been pushing down inside him is causing him to lash out at Lucas.

 

“It’s okay to be angry. You have every right to be.” Lucas feels anger for Allan. “You do not need to forgive them but you do need to come to terms with it. I think this could be an opportunity for you to do that.” Allan looks at Lucas, smiles at the realization Lucas is of course right. For the first time, he will have help and support to get him through. He isn’t alone anymore and he needs to start realising that. As if reading his mind Lucas takes Allan’s hand, bringing it to his face, nuzzling into his palm, kissing it and whispering “you are not alone anymore.” Allan feels the tears now falling down his face and it feels good to let it all go.“You lost so much. I know it’s affected things with Viktor and you should know that I of all people understand how that can feel.”

 

Allan looks at Lucas thinking of everything he’s been through and how strong he is for rebuilding his life. Lucas is the most courageous person he knows and realises he’s never told him. “You are the bravest person, the best person I know Lucas.”

 

Lucas is not expecting to hear that and is taken aback. “I feel the same way about you.” He means it. Looking at Allan, he sees this amazing man who has saved lives, solves horrible crimes and protects people. He wants Allan to see what he sees, that he deserves the recognition and no matter how hard it is going to be, Lucas will be there to make sure he gets it. “You deserve this award Allan. All I want is for you to let me help you so you can stand up and show everyone how far you have come, what you have sacrificed.” Lucas pauses a moment before continuing, unsure how Allan will react. “So your son can see you and be proud of you.”

 

Allan really starts to cry then when he thinks about Viktor watching him get an award. Lucas keeps a hold of Allan’s hand, rubbing little circles across the back of it with his thumb and over the knuckles and whispers “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. I couldn’t bear it,” Allan is openly sobbing now; all the past events and the troubles of the day rushing out of him. He can’t imagine how he must look. His hands are covering his face and it hurts to breathe. He can’t say anything any longer, just wails in the most heart-wrenching pitiful way. He can’t help himself, can’t stop. It’s all he can do to get air into his lungs. His chest feels like there’s a steel band across it, squeezing. It’s as bad as it was when he was in that warehouse nearly dying.

 

He doesn’t even realize at first that Lucas has moved closer to him during all this. He has his arms around him holding him against his chest with one arm and stroking his head with the other. Lucas is murmuring “I won’t leave Allan. I’m right here. Breathe. You should never have been put in that situation. Breathe. Let all the pain and anger out. There’s no room for it here. Leave it behind. It’s ok.”

 

Finally Allan is able to take a few huge shuddering gulps and stops sobbing. “Oh, god, Lucas! What a mess I made of your shirt. Shit, my head,” cries Allan as he clutches his temples, afraid of setting off a migraine. “My chest hurts. I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhhhh. No more tonight. Just breathe. Forget the shirt.”

 

They sit by the fire, one of them taking huge hiccups of air every so often and the other comforting him by rubbing his back, chest or head when it happens. Two broken damaged men, stronger after the terrible events of the day, huddled together, taking comfort in each other, watching the stars come out and the fire burn down to embers.

 

Lucas gets up and banks the fire and gently pulls Allan up.

 

“Come my brave, clever man who knows how to distract mountain lions. You have to tell me though, how did you know what it sounded like?”

 

“I took Viktor to the zoo. There was one prowling around, eyeing the deer in the enclosure over the way. It heard Viktor laugh at something I said and whirled its head around. It started to stalk him and growled threateningly _._ The minute I heard it, both of my testicles tried to crawl back up inside me. I grabbed Viktor and hustled him away from there. The sound is engraved on my bones.”

 

Lucas is speechless, wondering at the depths of the man in front of him. “Sorry. I was curious. I didn’t think it would be so serious a story. Come on. I’m exhausted. Bedtime.”

 

Allan wraps Lucas in an clumsy embrace.  Both men head to their tent, unzip it and crawl inside. Lucas falls asleep instantly, exhausted by the day’s troubles. Allan watches his breathing, trying to be soothed by his presence. Unlike Lucas, he is tired but too anxious to fall asleep. He’d been having nightmares since the letter arrived - something else he’d hidden from Lucas. When he wakes in the morning, in addition to the exhaustion, he feels ashamed, angry and guilty. It is why he hasn’t been staying overnight at Lucas’ (or vice versa) for the last few weeks.  Allan knows he needs to confide to him about this and promises to himself in the morning that he will. He closes his eyes, sighs, feels the comforting weight of the other man in his arms and tells himself he’s safe now that no matter what Lucas is going to be here with him.

 

He falls into a doze as he matches his breathing to Lucas’, willing himself to rest and using his relaxation techniques from yoga. His sleep at first is deep and untroubled but then his mind begins to remember the feelings of panic and fear he felt when they encountered the mountain lion. The thoughts of this afternoon begin to seep into older, darker memories, like oil being spilled in water, the darkness polluting everything it touches, until there is no way to separate the two.  

 

The dream starts. At first it is indistinct, a feeling of being pursued, of having no control. The big cat’s face hidden in the fog, just the growls, and screams, loud in the wilderness. He can’t see the path, nothing but mist. He realises he’s alone. Lucas’ hand has dropped from his. it’s just him and the mountain lion on the mountain.

 

He opens his mouth as if to scream but nothing comes out. He can feel the scream right under his chin. It’s stuck inside. He is paralysed. The mist seems to be getting thicker, closing in on him until he feels he is breathing it in. The only thing he can see is thick grey clouds. He moves his hands out in front of his face but nothing is visible, just a grey curtain of fog. He wonders if he’s moving them at all. He can feel the breath of the mountain lion against his skin. He can hear it rumbling again, too loud in his ears. It’s right next to him. He knows he is going to be eviscerated by it. Any second now he’ll feel those teeth dig into his flesh, those claws tear him open.

 

Once more he tries to scream but he is powerless. Nothing but mist and fog comes from his mouth. He coughs and suddenly his mouth is filled with blood. He still cannot move. He doesn’t know where he would run to even if he could. He cannot see which is the way out and it feels like the mountain lion’s breath is all around him. He longs for it to just attack, for it just to be over. He wants to shout at it to just end him already, just let the blood flow and the bones break, just let the pain begin because the waiting is too much. It makes him want to charge the beast, consequences be damned.  

 

Suddenly, he’s back in the warehouse, being almost beaten to death. He can smell the blood and fear stench. It cloys at his nose making it hard for him to breathe. Falling to his knees as the first blow comes, he tries to curl in on himself, but his attackers won’t let him. His injuries make it hard to see. He remembered how they fractured his skull. His eyes swelled shut as the beating continued. His mind clouded with guilt, shame and anguish. The sound of the fists as they hit him reverberate through him more than the pain, that pulpy sound of flesh hitting flesh, of bones breaking bone. The blood is in his eyes and he remembers the dark red curtain which covered everything, narrowing everything to noise. It’s a grotesque symphony consisting of grunts, gasps, screams, the only sounds in existence. The fog comes and blots everything out again.

 

As quick as a blink, he’s back on the mountain. The breathing of the mountain lion gets louder and closer. Pain and blood, that’s his reality now. He can’t catch his breath as he realises he cannot tell the difference between the heavy breathing of his attacker and his own laboured breaths. It all begins to merge as that mist comes over him again. He just wants it all to end, he just wants the blows, the constant blows to end...

 

Lucas is startled awake by a commotion in the tent. It is pitch black and at first he thinks there is an animal ( _‘did I zip the tent closed?’)_ in there with them as all he can hear is heavy panting and feel is movement. He reached for the torch he kept beside him and turned it on half expecting to see the eyes of a mountain lion, yellow and deadly in the torchlight.

 

Instead he sees Allan covered in sweat, shivering and thrashing like he is having some kind of fit. His whole body is moving erratically as if he cannot control his arms or legs. His head is moving side to side with his hair plastered to his face. He is mouthing words but nothing is coming out. Lucas isn’t sure if he sees blood on his lower lip or not.

 

“Allan!” Lucas says as he gently restrains Allan’s arms over his head so he can hang on to them with one hand. He doesn’t want him to hurt either of them by accident. His legs are kicking out, more violent now as if he’s trying to run. “Allan!” Lucas says louder this time.

 

He straddles him to stop his legs from kicking up and lets go of Allan’s hands while he moves into his new position. He almost gets hit by a wild punch to the face. Lucas cries, “You’re dreaming, Allan! Wake up! It’s me, Lucas. I’m right here.”

 

He can see Allan’s eyes are open wide and panic filled. As the punch nearly hit him, he drops the torch. It makes shadows against the tent and creates a feeble light which makes Allan appear pallid. He stares at Lucas lost as if he has no idea who he is. All Lucas can hear are gasps as Allan struggles to breathe. The thrashing stops for a moment,but then returns with more violence coupled with shouting, and other incoherent noises that terrify Lucas. He has never heard another human make a noise like that. It’s a bestial scream of utter terror and pain. He is shaken to his core, completely cold, every hair on his body upright. If he didn’t know the man underneath him, he would be out of the tent in an instant. “Allan!” Lucas shouts louder now, grabbing his wrists and pulling his arms over his head again, pressing down harder as the other struggles. “WAKE UP!” He has no desire to be hit again, even by accident.

 

Allan screams. All he sees is the lion, filling his whole scope of vision. It’s suffocating him with its heavy body on his chest. It hurts to breathe. He remembers how it felt when his ribs fractured, how he gasped and gulped for breath as he choked on his own blood. His hands are above his head, inside the big cat’s mouth. He can feel the sharp teeth at his wrists. Allan cries in his head, _‘I can’t get away! Lucas! I have to save Lucas! I couldn’t save Johnny. I can’t let that happen again!’_ The frantic thoughts make the fear that much worse.

 

Lucas can see his eyes are open but he is still not conscious. The screaming is getting louder and louder. He wonders how Allan has a voice left, how his vocal cords aren’t shredded to pieces. He feels like his ears are going to burst with the volume and incoherence of the noises Allan is making. Finally he realises he can make out his own name being wailed. “I’m here, Allan! Please wake up. Look at me! Come back to me, Allan please.” Lucas starts to cry, terrified for his lover. For what seems like an eternity, Lucas thinks the man beneath him will never wake up and be caught between sleep and waking forever.  

 

Eventually, Allan slumps in exhaustion and stops his wailing as if his body has run out of energy for any more fight. His eyes roll back in his head so Lucas can see the whites of his eyes. He quickly frees one of his hands and sweeps Allan’s mouth with his finger, afraid he swallowed his tongue, scared at the sudden change in the man underneath him. Relieved to know his airway is clear, he lets out a shaky exhale as he lets go of Allan’s wrists. With gentle caresses, Lucas pushes the sweat-plastered hair away from Allan’s forehead. He feels cold and clammy.  “Allan, please wake up. It’s okay.” Lucas leans down and gently kisses him on the forehead. “Come back to me, please. You’re safe.”

 

Eventually there is a hiccup and a soft sigh while Allan blinks. He opens his eyes properly and  his hands come down to Lucas’ thighs where he straddles him. “What? Lucas?” His throat hurts like hell and the hoarse, inhuman rasping sound that comes out of his mouth terrifies him. He feels strange, hollowed out and exhausted, an empty scarecrow of a man, all husk and brittle straw. Lucas leans back and breathes out a sigh of relief as he can see his lover is now awake and conscious. “You were having a nightmare.”

 

“Why are you sitting on me?” Allan asks, confused and disoriented as his mind comes to consciousness. None of this makes any sense.

 

“You were thrashing about and I didn’t want you to hurt yourself.”  

 

As he shifts to move, he feels his stomach clench. “I’m...gonna be sick!”

 

“Hang on, let’s get you outside!”  Lucas scrambles off of Allan’s chest and just makes it to the zippered doorway in time, Allan close behind, hand over his mouth. Lucas makes sure there isn’t anything for Allan to trip on as he stumbles to a large tree at the end of the support rope and collapses to the ground. Lucas waits till it’s all over and fetches a small towel among with a water bottle.

 

“Allan?”

 

A groan answers him. “Don’t come over!”

 

“I just want to help you up. I have water.” Lucas hears another retch.

 

A very shaky reply, “Okay” and Lucas is at Allan’s side.

 

“Lean on me. In the tent for cleanup?”

 

“Nonononono.” Allan is scared enough Lucas can see the whites of his eyes.

 

“Shhhhhh, forgive me, I thought you might be cold. Over here. Sit down.” Lucas wets the towel and hands Allan the water bottle. “Tiny sips. I don’t want you sick again. Let’s get you cleaned up then bedtime. Okay?” Allan is so drained he almost can’t lift the bottle, as if it’s beyond him. Taking charge as if he’s coaching one of his students, Lucas entreats, “Let me hold it. Here. Yup. Tiny sip.Tinier. Good. Spit. Again. Good. Drink, Allan.”

 

Allan manages a bit of water and almost drops the water bottle. “Give it here.”

 

Lucas begins to wipe off Allan’s face and neck, feeling him shiver in the dark.

 

“Bedtime now. Come into the tent.”

 

“No!”

 

“I’ll be right there with you. You won’t be alone.”

 

“I don’t remember…”  

 

“It’s okay it’s over now. It’s all over now.”  Lucas is trying to keep his voice calm but he can still feel the wave of panic he felt seeing Allan so distressed.

 

Allan looks up at Lucas, still not sure what happened. Was he dreaming? He can’t remember.  All he can feel is a lingering panic, a terror that is making his blood run cold. He closes his eyes and see the warehouse. He groans and opens his eyes. He doesn’t want to think about it, pushes it away.  “I don’t-I don’t want to remember.”

 

“You don’t have to right now. Let’s get comfy. You’re freezing. Come on. Let’s get some socks on your feet.” Lucas helps Allan to his feet and manages to get him inside the tent. He lays him down on the sleeping bag and spoons up against him, reaching out for socks with one hand, holding the shaking man with the other. He sits up and slips the socks onto Allan’s trembling, chilly feet, working by touch only under the covers, then lays back down next to him.

 

“Allan. Please. Look at me. You are safe in my arms. I am here with you. We are together.”  Lucas wants Allan to calm down. He can see his eyes are still wide with fear and can tell by his breathing he’s still upset.

 

Allan closes his eyes briefly and the memory of the dream starts to pull at the edges of his mind. That feeling of losing Lucas, of him not being there, of his hand slipping from his. “I lost you…”  Allan hears the words leave his mouth, a horrible rasp, the physical pain of it almost overwhelming and mixing with his mental anguish.

 

“Shhh. it’s okay. Allan look at me. Open your eyes.” Allan opens his eyes and meets that kind, loving gaze which never fails to ground him. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m here. I will protect you. I’m here now, you’re safe.” Lucas inches closer to Allan and pulls him into an embrace. “Close your eyes. Go to sleep. It’s okay. I’ve got you. Everything is alright. We can talk about it the morning.” Lucas gently strokes Allan’s hair, whispering into his ear.

 

“I...I...couldn’t find you.”  

 

“I am staying right here beside you. Not going anywhere.”  

 

After a few more moments of gentle stroking and holding Allan in his arms Lucas feels he has calmed down, his breathing is less erratic. “I’m sorry. I should have told you I’ve been having nightmares.”

 

Lucas shivers as he realizes that this is not the first time this has happened. He is sure that at home Allan has slept on his floor after the nightmares rather than get back under the covers.

He’s scared and concerned more than angry. “Is that why you wouldn’t stay over?” Lucas asks gently. Allan begins to cry, tears fall down in his face in relief as he nods a yes. “Shhhh. it's okay. I have you now. I can chase the nightmares away. You sleep.”

 

Allan takes a deep breath, it feels like it reaches his toes. He feels the warmth of Lucas holding him and finally feels safe. The tears fall again but neither man cares. “Remember your breathing Allan. Breathe deep with me. Yes, like that. Breathe for me.” He strokes him until he falls into a dreamless sleep as Lucas watches over him. He pulls the blanket up and snuggling close, he nuzzles him before drifting into sleep.

 

For the rest of the night owls, foxes, opossums, raccoons and rabbits come through the camp at various times through the night but nothing disturbs their sleep.

 

The next morning, Lucas wakes first. Both men are lying next to each other, the two sleeping bags unzipped and shared between them. Lucas shifts and suppresses a groan. From the texture of the light and the amount of birdsong, it’s early. He eases out from under the sleeping bag, grabs his glasses and stands. _‘If Allan were awake, he might tease me now_ ,’ the thought brings a smile which is quickly gone. ‘ _Come on old man, hurry before he wakes,’_ and the concern makes him move quicker, grabbing his shoes and unzipping only a portion of the door to wriggle through. A quick detour for some necessities and some hand sanitizer, Lucas slips his feet into his flip flops and heads for the trees. He finds the perfect one and stifles a moan in gratitude. ‘ _Too much alcohol too late at night,’_ he thinks, shamed that his body responds the way it does. He shrugs it off as he cleans up and heads back to the tent, _‘if this is the worst, that’s ok.’_ He makes sure everything is back in its spot before ducking inside, leaving the flip flops outside in the morning sun.

 

He slips back under the sleeping bag, much more comfortable and watches Allan sleep soundly next to him. He feels the warmth of him, his eyes flicker behind their lids and his lips twitch. Lucas smiles and hopes his dreams are kinder now. He thinks about everything they shared the night before, all the anger and anguish. He berates himself for not noticing how much pain Allan was in. He allowed him to isolate and retreat, making the situation worse, behaviors that he endorsed when Allan first came into his life.   

 

Watching Allan like this gently sleeping and seemingly at peace makes Lucas feel as if they have turned a corner and he feels the strength of his emotions for this man growing. That word they have not said yet lingering between them.  

 

Allan begins to stir, gasps and jerks awake. “Shhhh. It’s okay, Allan. It’s me.” He opens his eyes slowly meeting the loving gaze of Lucas and tentatively smiles. “Morning” Allan says, his usually beautiful voice now hoarse and horrible to hear, a reminder of the terrors in the night. As if he can read his thoughts, Lucas leans forward and gently kisses Allan on the lips, “Morning. How are you feeling?”

 

Allan looks at this man who has been so patient, so kind to him and feels a warmth of emotion spreading through him that’s almost overwhelming. “Like I got run over by Johnny’s truck. Throat hurts to talk. Did I hurt you?”

 

Lucas can see how tenuous the hold is that Allan has on his emotions. “No, you didn’t hurt me,”

he replies softly, “Do you remember last night? The dream you were having?”

 

Allan closes his eyes for a moment as if in pain as he remembers mist, fear and panic. He remembers Lucas holding him, bringing him back, his soothing voice and gentle touches. “Yes.”

 

“How long have you been having the nightmares?” Lucas asks.

 

Allan opens his eyes and looks at Lucas, “A few weeks. Since the letter.”

 

Lucas sighs and kisses Allan on the lips “You should have told me.” He took Allan’s facade at face value, ignoring the fact that his strength and resilience were crumbling. Any lesser man would have cracked long before this. Allan was trying to protect him. He had to show him that he wasn’t going to break. He vows he won’t make the same mistakes going forward. He had been through his own crucible and come out the other side stronger for it.

 

Allan nods “I know and I’m sorry.”

 

“You helped me once, do you remember? Just after we first met?” Lucas remembers the uncertainty, the embarrassment, the way Allan dealt with him so gently, made him feel safe.  Allan nods as he remembers everything about that night. How they told each other their stories. “You made me feel better. You helped me heal. I want to do the same for you. Let me chase the nightmares away. But you have to talk to me. And you need help. This is bigger than what you can handle on your own, what we can handle together.”

 

Allan smiles at that and it makes Lucas feel like he is falling. It is such an open and vulnerable smile. “I will. I promise from now on I will tell you everything. And I promise to get help. But I don’t want to talk about this any more. Not this weekend. I know I have to work on all this but I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I was in a fight or like I ran a marathon. Last night must have been bad if you were that scared.”

 

Lucas hums in agreement and leans forward, closing the small distance between them and kisses Allan. His tongue runs along the seam of his lips. They both have tears in their eyes now as the kiss deepens. It feels like there is nothing in the world but this tent and each other. They lie together in a tight embrace kissing and caressing for a long while as the sun comes up and the warmth of the morning light begins to fill the tent.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Allan says his voice soft and Lucas can hear how timid Allan is right now and it makes him want him even more.

 

“Of course, anything.”  

 

“Can we start over? Can today be a new day? A do-over of sorts?”

 

Lucas is not sure he has ever heard Allan sound like this, so soft and quiet.  smiles and reaches up with his hand and runs it through his hair, “That sounds perfect. I would like that very much.”

 

Allan leans into the touch, adoring this man so much, wanting to erase the past twenty four hours, to give him pleasure instead of pain. Allan smiles, “Good because I would like to make you come before breakfast.”

 

Lucas laughs “I can’t argue with that!”

 

Allan forward and sucks at his lips, holding his face between his hands. Lucas’ hand is still in Allan’s hair and he tugs at the strands. The kiss deepens as Allan can feel Lucas’ morning arousal become more apparent. Allan’s hands stroke Lucas’ side to reach under the hem of his t-shirt finding warm skin. He pushes the t-shirt up so that Lucas can remove it. The moment Allan’s hands find skin, Lucas’ breath sputters as they touch. He smiles, arranging Lucas so he is lying flat on the ground. He licks down his neck, small nips as he goes. Lucas makes wonderful keening noises with every caress as he wriggles. His hands still in Allan’s hair mussing it up just the way he likes.

 

Taking his time, he moves his way down his lover’s chest, reaching his nipples. His tongue circles around the nub and he gently suckles, flicking his tongue over and over, and pulling away only to replace his tongue with his fingers, plucking and stroking over his  skin, pulling the nub of flesh until Lucas is moaning and writhing underneath him. He makes his way further down as he stroking his skin until he finds the waistband of his boxers. He takes it between his teeth, making Lucas laugh breathlessly as he gently pulls them down over a now erect cock. Lucas shimmies out of them completely allowing numerous kisses up both thighs. Allan pushes back Lucas’ foreskin and licks a stripe up his cock which causes the most wonderful moan, lifting of the hips and tightening of grip in Allan’s hair.  

 

“Please Allan, fuck!” Lucas exclaims which makes him smile and lick him again taking a hold of the base of his shaft, gently kissing the slit, licking his way around the tip. “Oh god!” Lucas says as he arches his head back in pleasure. He’s very much enjoying the way his hair is being  gripped so tightly. As a reward, he flicks his tongue along his frenulum a few more times before swallowing him down. He begins to slowly suck, bobbing his head up and down as he holds the base firm. Lucas is writhing in pleasure and bucking up slightly into his mouth who hums, sending vibrations of pleasure down Lucas’ cock.

 

He pulls back slightly, one of his hands drifting up to ease one of Lucas’ hands out of his hair, clasping it before bringing it down to the sleeping bag, fingers intertwined.

 

Lucas whimpers, “Please, please.”

 

At Lucas’ urging, Allan starts to deep throat, taking him in a little further on each stroke. Lucas is certain this may be the best blowjob he has ever received in his life. “Fuck Allan I’m...I’m!” Words fail him as all his nerves are on fire. Lucas moans as he feels a familiar ache in his lower abdomen. His fingers curl and spasm in Allan’s hand. Allan takes Lucas deep into his throat and swallows around him while Lucas comes with a loud, drawn out shout. Allan drinks as much as he can, coyly licking up what he missed from Lucas’ trembling thighs.  

 

After sharing more kisses and caresses they eventually manage to emerge from the tent and Lucas makes them both breakfast in an easy silence, Allan watching every move that he makes. He loves to watch him cook, those elegant hands of his are always hypnotising.  

 

“What is so fascinating?” Lucas laughs as he is beginning to feel like he is being scrutinized.

 

Allan smiles and comes up behind Lucas and wraps his arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck. “You,” he says in that raspy after-sex hoarseness he has.

 

He laughs again and Allan wants to bottle that sound. When he thinks of how he has been acting, it makes him cringe. Why would he ever want to hear anything other than that wonderful laugh? “Stop it, sit down and eat.” Lucas says and Allan takes one more deep sniff of his lover and then sits down so Lucas can hand him a banana and a muffin. They both sit down as Allan, who made the coffee, pours them both some, the heat and caffeine very much appreciated this morning.

 

“So what did you want to do today?” Allan says although all he actually wants to do is drag him back to the tent and make him quiver with pleasure all day. Lucas can tell this just by the glint in Allan’s eyes as he asks this question.

 

Lucas smiles. “How about a walk to the river? We can have a wash. Maybe swimming?”

 

Allan’s face lights up at the suggestion. He’s pretty sure he can persuade him to skinny-dip, the tent not being the only place he can make his boyfriend produce those wonderful noises. “An emphatic yes!”

 

“I am glad we are in agreement,” Lucas says, his tone is light but it still smarts, a stark contrast between today and yesterday.

 

Allan places his now finished plate of food down and takes his lover’s hand in his, tears threatening to spill once more in his eyes. “Yes, yes we are.” He never wants to feel that he might lose the one important person in his life.

 

Lucas can see the emotion so close to the surface and wants to reassure him. “I didn’t mean it like that,” Lucas says, immediately feeling bad for making him think about nightmares, “It’s a new day remember?”

 

Allan smiles, broad and happy, those feelings of doubt and fear starting to leave him as he sees the look in Lucas’ eyes. “Yes it is.”

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

It is an about an hour’s hike down to the water. Unlike the day before, there’s no fog because of the lovely breeze. The hike is completely different from yesterday, no steep terrain, winding through meadows but all Allan can see is Lucas. He can’t stop looking at him as if he’s afraid Lucas is a mirage that might be wafted away by the wind at any moment. Lucas laughs at Allan’s sudden clinginess but he likes the feeling of it. He likes to be the focus of those intense hazel eyes.  

 

When they get to the river, they both stand there taking a moment to appreciate the view. A short way upstream is a pool of water surrounded by rocks with trees on the side closest to the shore. The crowning touch is a gentle waterfall tumbling into it. The water is an inviting blue oasis. “Thank you.” Lucas says as their hands entwine.  

 

Allan looks at Lucas. “For what?”

 

“For finding this spot, for organising this and of course for this morning.” Lucas giggles as Allan smiles, leans in and nuzzles him.

 

“My pleasure.” Allan lifts their entwined hands and brings them up to his lips to place a kiss on Lucas’ hand. “Now please tell me you forgot to bring your swimming trunks.”

 

He gives Allan a wink in response.  “Please tell me you forgot yours!”

 

“I don’t think I even packed any.” Allan crinkles his nose in the adorable way he does.

 

Lucas throws his head back and laughs. “I did pack something though.” Lucas teases. Allan looks at him intrigued. “Get undressed and I’ll show you.”  

 

Allan needs no encouragement and begins to strip off so fast he practically falls over as his jeans catch on his sneakers. Lucas snickers while he pulls his shirt off over his head. He strips down to his boxers, hears birdsong close by and glances up in the tree above them, shouts, and points. “Lucas look!”

 

Lucas looks up to the beech tree they are sitting under and notices the heavy rope tied to one of the lower branches. “Allan, you’re not-”

 

“Oh yes I am.”

 

Allan climbs up the tree, hangs onto the trunk for balance with one hand, shoving the boxers down with the other. He kicks them off and laughs as Lucas collects them and puts them with the rest of the clothes. Completely naked, Allan shimmies down the rope, putting his feet on the knotted end.  

 

“I need you to start the momentum, Lucas. Then when I get out over the stream, I’ll jump in.”

 

Lucas chuckles at Allan’s enthusiasm and grabs the bottom of the rope and pulls it back in a large arc, releasing it and hearing Allan whoop in delight. The rope swings out over the river. Allan releases the rope in one go, grabbing his legs and cannonballing into the water. He hollers once he comes in contact with the cool water and jumps up shaking like a wet puppy. Lucas shakes his head, grinning as he removes his clothes and glasses. He finds what he brought in his pack, hiding the object in his palm. He follows Allan into the water, wading into a deeper part before elegantly diving in. As soon as Lucas comes up for air, he feels Allan’s arms circling around his waist from behind and groans as Allan fiercely kisses him on the nape of his neck.

 

“How about that wash?” Lucas asks mindful of how sore Allan’s throat must be. He gives the bar of soap to Allan and says, “Do me first and then I’ll wash you.”

 

Allan beams as he takes the soap and starts to lather his hands. He touches Lucas as if he was afraid he would break, suddenly upset for nearly ruining this weekend, ashamed of the events of evening before. He washes him carefully, looking for any sign of damage he may have caused him. Finding none, he takes a shuddering deep breath and cuddles close, repeatedly touching as much skin as he can reach, trying to reassure himself.

 

“Shhhh, none of that now. It’s over. Let’s play now and for the rest of the time here, yes? It’s ok. I know you can’t help your reaction. It’s fine. I’m fine. We will get you fine. Now where is the soap?”

 

Lucas looks at Allan’s empty hands. “Did you drop it? Is it on the bottom of the river now?”

 

Allan laughs and takes one of Lucas’ hands and moves it underwater, downward, down past his hip bone, down his leg. Until he puts his hand on his knee and moves it over the tiniest fraction. Lucas lets out a huge bellyful of a laugh.  


“You put it between your knees!” He ruffles Allan’s hair as he takes the soap from its hiding place. Lathering it up, he takes his time running it along all of Allan’s exposed skin. He hums a nonsense happy sounding tune and gives him a gentle massage, easing his muscles and washing away all traces of the horrible evening.

 

When he’s done, he says,“I’m going to put this back on the beach. Stay right here for me.” Allan watches him swim back to shore as he leaves the soap and wonders whether he should chance floating or not while he waits. Turning away briefly, he misses seeing him pick something else up out of the pack. He hears a splash and turns back around to see Lucas dive back in the river and swim over to him.  

 

“Shall we swim up to the waterfall?” Lucas says as Allan releases him only to come around to face him before wrapping those long legs around him.

 

“Do you have some kind of plan?” Allan asks seeing a glint in Lucas’ eye. “Tell me.”

 

Lucas shakes his head and puts his hand behind his back so Allan cannot see what he is holding. “When we get closer.”

 

Allan smiles unused to being the one who is surprised. So far he has been the one who buys toys. He thinks about the one in his pack back at the camp and smiles. “Okay.” He reluctantly  disentangles himself and begins to swim to the waterfall with Lucas just behind him. Both of the them feeling the cool water against their skin. It is liberating to be here alone and erotic to be naked swimming together. Allan revels in the sensuousness, feeling the water caress him everywhere and wants to do the same for Lucas. _“We deserve this,”_ and the thought makes him ecstatic.

 

Once they reach the rocks, they can see there is an entrance to the pool. The level of the water in the pool is less than the river, only coming up to their thighs. Suddenly seeing Allan’s body sends a jolt of lust careening down Lucas’ spine. Wading up to him, Lucas reaches out and caresses a hipbone. He turns and Lucas spins him into his arms, leading him over to the edge of the waterfall, before pushing him under the force of the water. Allan laughs and closes his eyes. Lucas seizes the opportunity and gives him an open mouthed kiss. Immediately Allan opens his eyes and cups his lover’s face in his hands and returns the kiss, the water pouring down over both of them.

 

Lucas pulls him out from the center of the waterfall and holds out the packet. “I want to fuck you here in this bit of paradise.”

 

“Lucas, my paradise is with you. Wherever you are. God, you’re beautiful. ”

 

Allan pants as  starts to caress his hips and thighs and kisses him again incredibly turned on by the fact that Lucas thought about this.

 

“Tell me it’s waterproof lube.” Allan sighs into Lucas’ ear between kisses.

 

“Uh huh.”  

 

“Fuck!” Allan cries out as he is grabbed and lifted effortlessly by Lucas, his legs wrapped around Lucas’ strong waist, arms around his neck. Lucas tears open the packet with his teeth, before squeezing some onto the fingers of one hand. “Kiss me Allan. Remember how you french kissed me on the sofa at your place for the first time?”

 

“Oh god, yes.”  Allan remembers the thrill of finally getting that close to Lucas, of them both realising they felt the same way about each other, of lips finally meeting lips.

 

“Kiss me like that.” Lucas’ voice is breathless with anticipation as the memory of that kiss flashes before his eyes too.

 

Allan leans forward and does his best to recreate that wonderful kiss. Lucas’ slick fingers deftly follow Allan’s vertebrae down his back and slip between his cheeks, circling his hole and gently massaging the rim. Allan is already painfully hard and wanting more. He is usually the one doing the torturing and it seems that Lucas has been taking notes.  

 

Lucas pushes one finger inside Allan who mewls and bites down on Lucas’ shoulder which causes Lucas to shout out in pleasure. Their bodies are now so close he can feel the heat, the bobbing of Allan’s arousal between them. Lucas eases his finger out and pushes further in, achingly slowly until Allan is holding on even tighter and gently rolling his hips to encourage Lucas for more. He starts to plead with Lucas. “Put it in me. Please, oh please.”

 

Lucas smiles and whispers, his breath hot and heavy against the shell of Allan’s ear, “Relax. You know how big I am. I don’t want to hurt you. Let me in.”

 

Allan shivers at this statement and clings tighter to Lucas, kissing more of his neck, sucking and biting a bruise into his collar bone. Lucas murmurs, “You’re so tight. We are going to take our time, okay?”

 

Allan can only nod and whimper as Lucas strokes inside, feeling his heartbeat, his pulse, the soft silken walls. Lucas adds more lube, pushing another finger inside again gradually. He strokes, finding his prostate, listening to his sudden sobs, “Ah, ah, ah.” Allan grips tighter, his hands in Lucas’ hair pulling as hard as Lucas did to him this morning. His breath puffs, body quivers, his legs hitching higher up Lucas’ body.

 

Allan’s mind is filled with nothing but the sounds of the water rushing around them and the feeling of being held as he is opened up. He is blissfully free of any other thought but the two of them here and now. The only thing he is wanting and needing is more, more of this.  Lucas seems to read his mind, pushing a third finger inside. He’s panting now, close to hyperventilating. “Breathe, Allan. Nice deep breaths.” Allan leans his head back and rolls his hips forward with a loud moan of Lucas’ name.

 

Lucas uses the lube to coat his own cock which is aching to be inside. “You ready dearest?”  he whispers into Allan’s ear, biting the lobe slightly.

 

“Uh huh. Fuck yes, please.” Allan responds with another roll of his hips. Lucas adjusts them both so that he lowers the shivering man onto his cock and they both moan at the sensation.

 

“Oh!” Lucas rolls his hips and begins to penetrate with long, slow movements. Their foreheads touch as their eyes meet, their gaze locked. He fucks him so slowly and so tenderly that Allan is sure they are both shedding tears but cannot tell underneath the waterfall.   

 

“One or two more thrusts and then I’m going to pull out so I can change position, okay?”

 

“Anything,” Allan gasps. “Oh, anything.”

 

A few moments later, as good as his word, Lucas pulls out, listening to his whimpers at the sudden sense of emptiness. He eases Allan’s legs down, murmuring “Hang on to me if you need to. I don’t want you slipping on these rocks. Let’s go down over there where we aren’t under the water. I’m getting chilly.”

 

He tucks Allan’s arm under his, knowing that his feet may be a bit numb as they move carefully across to the row of rocks encircling the pool. He moves Allan in front of him so that he’s facing his back and gives a string of commands. “Grab those rocks, bend forward a bit. Spread for me. Okay. Just look out over the water as I fuck you.”

 

Lucas fingers his lover’s rim, watching him wriggle and listens to him beg. “You tease! Fuck me! I want to feel your cock so deep I can taste it.”

 

“Easily done,” Lucas growls as he pulls Allan’s hips out. “Lean down more.”

 

“Bossy.” Allan says with a smile that makes Lucas moan.

 

“You love it when I take charge.”

 

“I d-” Allan’s response is cut short as Lucas slides in, burying himself to the hilt.

 

“You were saying?”

 

All Allan can do is groan with pleasure, all words swept out of his head by the strength of his lover’s thrusts. He feels a muscular arm across his chest as he’s wrenched backward against Lucas’ chest, the movement causing him to be impaled deeper. His keening cries ring out across the river.

 

Lucas whispers in his ear, “Shhh. You can take it. You know how big I am, how it makes you feel inside. I can see your precome dripping down your cock into the water. That’s a really nice image. I can’t wait to see you come.”

 

Allan’s breath is knocked out of him with every savage thrust. Dimly processing the wet slap of Lucas’ balls, his cock fills a little bit more, gets a bit wetter, aches a bit more.

 

“You’re right here in my arms Allan. Never forget that. Right here in my heart. Forever.”

 

Allan gasps and wails as Lucas brushes his thumb against his left nipple. He has one arm across his chest and the other is slipped under Allan’s right shoulder, coming across the front to hold him in place. Lucas wants to subconsciously get across that he’s not going to let Allan go —that he supports him, echoing their conversation from last night, putting it in a physical form as he’s pounding his ass.

 

“I’m here Allan, only for you. Not going to let you go. Don’t push me away. Stay with me. Right here, right now.” Each grunted sentence is punctuated by his eager strokes. Lucas intensifies his assault and listens to Allan scream out his pleasure as he tortures his ass and his nipples, plucking and tugging on the latter mercilessly. The last thing Lucas whispers in Allan’s ear is this:  “Remember this always when things get bad.” He bites into the meat of his neck, shaking his head as a dog would, worrying the skin. It’s the last two things, the bite and the command that send Allan sobbing over the edge.

 

Lucas holds Allan close so he can look over his shoulder and see him spurt against the rocks, his spend dripping into the pool. He feels Allan’s muscles clench and squeeze almost like a heartbeat and it’s that thought coupled with the feeling around his cock which triggers his orgasm. He rocks against Allan who turns his head for a open-mouthed kiss as Lucas eases out, listening to his gasp. As soon as he’s released, Allen turns around and embraces Lucas who kisses his tears away.

 

“You’ll remember what I said here, Allan?”

 

Allan nods and murmurs, “Um, hum. Thank you.”

 

A cloud passes over the sun and both men shiver. “We should get back to camp, Lucas.”

 

“Do you want a nap?”

 

“I do. So help me, I do.”

 

Both of them turn and look at the waterfall in the late afternoon light and have a quick embrace before swimming downstream to the beech tree.

  
  


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Back at camp, Allan crawls back into the tent to have a nap. Lucas assesses their food stores and decides to use up the last of their food for dinner. They can catch fish tomorrow for lunch or get something on the road. He’s making hobo packets, cutting veggies and potatoes and taking the last of their meat out of the cooler, slicing it then wrapping everything in tin foil packets along with spices to cook over the fire.

 

After tidying up the campsite, he sits by the fire and picks up his novel. He loves to read and doesn’t have much time for it. Engrossed in his book, he doesn’t notice Allan waking and coming over to stoke the fire. “Lucas?”

 

Allan smiles to himself as he watches Lucas read. _“It must be something wonderful,”_ and makes a mental note to remind himself to ask him tomorrow about the book on the drive home. “Lucas,” he asks a little louder.

 

Lucas starts a bit, immediately intending to put his book down. “No, don’t! Finish your chapter. Will the food be done by then?”

 

“Can you flip the packets please?”

 

“Yes of course.”

 

Allan takes the spatula and eases them over the fire, listening to them hiss. He sets the spatula off to the side on the makeshift table and asks Lucas what he wants to drink.

 

“Is the whiskey all gone?”

 

Allan shakes his head “no” and goes to get the bottle. He pours them both a drink and brings it over to Lucas who is fast in his book again. He sits down on one of the logs, sipping his drink and keeping an eye on the fire, listening to Lucas breathe behind him. Both sit like that until Lucas finishes his chapter, marking his place with a bookmark and finishing his drink while Allan puts a bit of wood on the fire.

 

Lucas looks up at the fire then at Allan. “No smokes?”

 

“All out.”

 

Allan gets the plates and cutlery out and puts a packet on each plate, handing Lucas his dinner before taking his own. Lucas looks at Allan and says “Go on, open yours. Be careful of the steam.” He smiles as Allan opens the foil and his stomach rumbles at the aroma which is released. “I’ll take that as a compliment then,” quips Lucas before opening his own. Pleased with the results, they eat in companionable silence.

 

After dinner, Allan gathers up the plates and sets them in the covered bucket which he’ll take down to the river to wash the next morning. He banks the fire and walks over to Lucas, taking his arm and pulling him upright. “I’m going to get ready for bed. Join me?”

 

“Um?” Lucas says not feeling tired.  “It’s a bit early.”

 

“It’s dark.”  Allan counters, the glint in his eye this time. “Come to the tent. We can think of something to do.”

 

Lucas smiles and follows him into the tent and zips everything closed except for a small window where they can watch the stars and fire.  Allan has stripped quickly and is under the sleeping bag waiting for Lucas, he looks up at him and says, “Get undressed, Lucas. Slowly.”

 

Lucas shivers as he takes his shirt off. “It’s chilly once the sun goes down. Socks or no socks?”

 

“I’ll keep you warm, never fear.” Allan says with a smile.  

 

Lucas chuckles, “You know me. My feet get cold.”

 

“Socks it is. Not a problem. I want to thank you for this afternoon, Lucas. I can still feel you inside.”

 

Allan cuddles close and pulls the sleeping bag over the two of them. “Let’s cuddle for a while. I miss that. My own fault for being such an ass.”

 

“None of that last part tonight.”

 

They lie together dozing and enjoying the warmth of each other so closely entwined. Allan feels most of the tension he’s been carrying around with him these last few weeks has almost gone. His mind is clearer and his heart’s lighter. If he had a wish, he would stay in this tent with Lucas forever.

 

Lucas watches Allan’s eyes flutter shut, seeing him smile and nuzzle against whatever skin he can reach. Lucas bites his own lip in response, thinking how much closer they have gotten.  Eyes shining with tears, he drinks in the sight, thankful for the man in front of him. His throat feels thick and he swallows reflexively. As if he’s heard Lucas, Allan breaks the silence between them by kissing Lucas softly on the shoulder. “I have a present for you,” he murmurs.

 

Lucas smiles shyly, meeting Allan’s eyes and kissing his lips, “Do you? I don’t think I can get hard again.”

 

“I do. Leave that problem to me.” Allan slides his hand down Lucas’ chest towards his cock which twitches. ‘ _I guess I was wrong about that last part,’_ Lucas realizes. He had never had a lover like Allan before. Allan’s always willing to put Lucas’ pleasure before his own while gently exploring his boundaries in the bedroom. It made for a heady experience, one that Lucas loved to reciprocate.

 

The touch of his lover distracts him from his thinking. Allan caresses him between his legs, fingers dancing everywhere. He cups his balls, gently hefting Lucas in his palm and watches his pupils dilate in response. Gently stroking Lucas’ shaft, he greedily watches as he whines at Allan’s touch. Allan presses himself against Lucas and bends his head down to slowly kiss Lucas exploring every inch of his mouth while he strokes the underside of his cock from root to tip with his finger.

 

Breaking the kiss and pulling back, Allan sits up and watches Lucas writhe. One-handed, Allan gropes for something and grins when he finds it. He opens the lube he has concealed in bed allowing it to warm against his skin. Dropping the bottle and squeezing some into his hand, he covers Lucas’ cock in it using both hands now. He listens to Lucas’ breath hitching at the sensation and moves one hand back down between his legs. Allan gently pulls his balls away from his body so Lucas doesn’t become too erect. Immediately, Lucas cries out and opens his legs reflexively. Allan smiles wickedly and says, “Wait. Not yet.”  Picking up the lube with one hand, he slides the foreskin back with the other. Allan fumbles under his pillow, finding Lucas’ present. Taking the cock ring, he covers it with lube and slowly eases it over Lucas’ cock.

 

“Fuck Allan! What are you doing?” Lucas says feeling the sensation of the ring around the base of his cock.

 

“Trust me. I want to make you feel good.” Allan whispers in Lucas’ ear as he slowly begins to pump Lucas’ cock getting him hard.  

 

“Allan!” Lucas moans as he feels the restriction at his base.

 

Allan smiles as he moves one of his hands back under Lucas’ balls tracing a line to his ass so he can find that wonderfully tight hole. He skirts a lubed up finger around the entrance listening to Lucas vocalize.

 

“So tight,” Allan grunts while Lucas starts to move his ass back encouraging Allan to push inside. “So eager.”

 

“Fuck!”  Lucas moans as he’s fingered open. Allan pushes his finger inside just to the knuckle. He watches Lucas’ legs open wider, watches tiny abortive thrusts of his hips as he plays with his rim. Lucas wails, lifting his head to look at Allan, his eyes silently pleading for escalation.

 

“Shhhh.”  Allan gently strokes a hand down Lucas’ chest fondling a nipple. “We’ll get there. I want to take my time with you.”

 

Lucas puts his head back down and shivers. He knows this is the start of the blissful torture that Allan is about to visit upon him. Reaching out, he slides one hand in Allan’s hair and holds on tightly, using it as an anchor against the waves of pleasure flooding his body. Allan slowly pushes the rest of his finger inside Lucas. It’s too much and not enough. While Allan holds him in place with one finger inside him, his other hand strokes upward, fingers finding and gently plucking a nipple. Lucas can feel Allan’s erection, large and waiting against his ass, and by heaven he wants it so bad. “Please, oh god Allan,” he whimpers.

 

“Patience.” Allan whispers as he gently rocks his cock against the perfect curve of Lucas’ ass.  He removes his finger, achingly adds another just to the knuckle and gently scissors them. In response, a long groan escaped him sounding very much like a musical scale. Allan sucks in a quick breath at the sound. He loves the noises Lucas makes during their lovemaking. Teasingly he pushes his two fingers fully inside and thrusts them in and out. Lucas arches his back and he watches his head move from side to side, eyes closed, mouth open, skin flushed. There is nothing as beautiful to Allan as watching him chase his orgasm.

 

“Oh fuck, god,” Lucas stutters as his cock is getting harder. As the pressure of the cock ring becomes more intense, the grip in Allan’s hair gets tighter.

 

“So good for me. Yes. I love the sounds you make.” Allan hums with pleasure.

 

“More please. Please more. Deeper,” Lucas whines.

 

Allan grins, pulling his fingers out before re-inserting three this time again to the knuckle holding them there while he tweaks his nipple and rubs his cock teasingly against Lucas’ ass again. Before he can beg for more Allan pushes all three fingers inside and starts to move them in and out slightly faster than before while spreading them apart. Lucas feels like he might explode from the pleasure as it spreads over his entire body, his legs are shaking, eyes closed in complete ecstasy. Allan is kissing and nipping at him as he tortures Lucas feeling every moan, whine and grunt vibrate through the column of his neck.

 

The hand that is tormenting Lucas’ nipple scrapes its way down his chest to his cock which is rock hard now and leaking. Allan gently grasps it rubbing his thumb over the slit “so wet, so hard for me.”

 

“Fuck, please, fuck touch me!”  Lucas whimpers as he feels the warmth of Allan’s glorious hands around his cock. He is so hard it hurts in the best possible way, the cock ring heightening every sensation. He moves his hand up and down Lucas’ cock smearing the precum with the lube as he goes. He picks a slow torturous rhythm as he moves up and down while still pushing three nimble fingers into Lucas’ hole.  

 

“Mmm you feel so good fucking yourself on my fingers. Can’t get enough, can you?”  Allan moans into his ear as he feels his own cock getting harder at the feeling of touching Lucas like this, the way his hips sway with the movement of his hands, the feeling of his ass touching his cock and the long beautiful moans leaving his mouth.  “Fuck, Lucas you’re so beautiful. I wish you could see yourself. We’ve got to do this in front of a mirror so you can see. Would you like that?”

 

The thought goes right to Lucas’ cock and all he can do is gasp in surprise. “You liked that, hmmm? Shall I talk to you some more?”

 

“Yesyesyesyes.”

 

“You look so gorgeous like this. You’re all pink, your skin, your ass. You should see how you suck me in, so greedy for me.” Lucas pants and wriggles in response as the sensations and the words compound his pleasure.

 

“Oh god you are amazing. Fuck! No one has ever made me feel like this.” His mind is a blissful blank. All he can feel is Allan invading him in the best possible way. Lucas cranes his neck around again so he can kiss him slowly and deeply. The kiss is so intense as they both feel the heightened pleasure. Allan adds another finger to abuse Lucas’ prostate which causes a loud wail of Allan’s name which makes Allan gasp as well. Lucas’ now so overstimulated his whole body is quivering with pleasure. “Please, Allan, please fuck me, fuck,” says Lucas, his voice dropping an octave, all husky and growling.

 

Allan bites Lucas’ shoulder and removes his fingers from Lucas’ hole. He slicks his cock in lube and pushes the foreskin back, “Okay, breathe. I’m going to make you feel good.”  

Lucas breathes out a long breath as he knows that the feeling of Allan inside him is going to be even more amazing with the ring making everything so much more intense.  “Are you ready for me?” Allan asks breathless with anticipation of being able to fuck this beautiful man.

 

“Please, yes Allan, please I need to feel you inside me,” pleads Lucas. He wants to feel Allan everywhere; he needs it like a drug. “Please!’

 

Allan gently pushes the tip of his cock inside, feeling no resistance at all after all the foreplay. He grasps Lucas’ hip to steady him. “Oh god, you feel so good. So open right now. So hot and slick for me.”  Allan slowly pushes until he is flush to his hilt, completely seated inside. They both pause breathing deeply in sync. Lucas appreciates Allan taking the time to be physically close. With his worse eyesight, he feels there is so much he misses by not being able to see well without his glasses especially during sex. These moments of calm allow him to focus and he finds Allan’s hooded gaze, his hazel eyes almost completely obscured by dilated pupils. Allan slow blinks like a contented cat and crinkles his nose at Lucas who laughs in return, grateful at being able to see his pleasure. His laugh is cut off as Allan grinds against Lucas, listening to his punched out breath, stuttering. Allan repeats the motion, bending down to swallow Lucas’ cries. He pulls back to watch the tip of Lucas’ pink tongue poke past his swollen lips, watching it mirror his thrusts inside his lover. Overcome with lust, he bends forward again, capturing his lover’s tongue, kissing him deeply as he resumes his tortuous slow assault. He can feel Lucas’ cock trapped between them and makes sure to rub against it on every inward thrust, watching Lucas shiver as he does.  

 

Taking his time, Allan fucks Lucas, his hips slowly rocking as Lucas pushes back onto Allan’s cock, that wonderful grip in Allan’s hair getting tighter and tighter as Lucas teeters ever closer to the edge. He knows he would have come a long time ago if it wasn’t for the ring. His cock is so hard and sensitive and he gasps as he feels Allan touch him with his fingers caressing every inch as Allan’s hand wraps around his shaft.

 

Allan starts to speed up slightly unable to control himself with the feeling of Lucas so tight and hot around him. “Oh fuck, Lucas you feel so good, oh fuck yes!”  He stutters his stroke as he feels Lucas push back against him. Allan’s almost overcome by the sensation of that wonderful ass against his balls as he fucks into his lover. It feels so good and the incoherent noises Lucas is making coupled with the iron grip in Allan’s hair pushes him over the edge. He climaxes with a long shout and whine of Lucas’ name.

 

The feeling of Allan spurting inside him would usually push Lucas over the edge and he can feel his body wanting to come but the ring prevents it. The overstimulation is almost too much with the sounds and feel of Allan’s orgasm. “Fuuccckkk”  Lucas whines.

 

“Hmmm. My beauty. Don't worry, I’ve got you.” Allan says as he starts to pump Lucas’ cock in earnest now as the kiss between them becomes desperate. Pulling out of Lucas, Allan quickly  pushes three fingers inside and begins to rub against Lucas’ abused prostate. At the same time, he presses at a spot on Lucas’ perineum with his thumb which Lucas feels deep inside.

 

“Oh God, oh god, oh god!”  Lucas is frantic as the pressure inside him builds. He has never felt such intense pleasure before, verging on pain.  

 

Allan gently kisses Lucas’ shoulder “Come for me my love, please. I love it when you come.”  

 

Lucas wails as he chases his orgasm, feeling it build, like a spiraling ribbon reaching outside of himself, rising to the heavens. Allan continues to stroke Lucas’ cock faster and faster while he bites at his shoulder as that grip in his hair continues to tighten. Lucas knows he’s close and he starts to whimper as the intensity of it is almost frightening. Allan watches his chest hitch, his legs suddenly pull up, knees to his chest and quickly removes his hand from Lucas’ cock. He gently grips Lucas’s hip, squeezing his hip bone. “It’s okay my love, let go, I have you.” The touch grounds Lucas and he shakily breathes trying to bring himself under control. Allan waits for Lucas continuing to stroke his hip until he gives him a sign, a long inhale and exhale along with a head nod before Allan continues to pump his cock. “Come for me my love, let go.”

 

Lucas spurts long and hard. He’s dimly aware of his release. It’s only a tiny component of what he’s experiencing. He might pass out at the force of it. His orgasm rips through his body and makes every muscle, sinew and nerve scream with pleasure. Lucas feels like he is floating about himself, as if every part of him has been taken apart by Allan. Tears spring from his eyes as the wave of intense pleasure starts to ebb and he is left utterly spent.  

 

Allan gently removes the cock ring from Lucas and strokes up and down his chest making soothing noises and kissing his shoulder as Lucas comes down. “It’s okay my love. I’ve got you. Shhhh. God I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. Shhhh.”  Allan doesn’t realise the words have left his lips. Lucas hears them like a distant echo, bringing him back down to earth like a siren call. Lucas manages to shift so he’s facing Allan. Tears stream down his face, but he is beaming.

 

“Do you mean it?”  Lucas asks his voice a little hoarse.

 

Allan smiles at the sight of his lover crying with pleasure. He leans forward and kisses him.  “Yes, of course, I love you so much.”

 

Lucas cannot help but grab Allan’s face and kiss him fiercely.  “Me too, my love, I love you too.” They both laugh gently as Allan wraps Lucas in a tight embrace just before he passes out.  Allan continues to stroke Lucas’ hair gently as he sleeps whispering declarations of ‘ _I love you’_ over and over.

 

Feeling Lucas so close in his arms Allan knows he never wants to let him go. He will do everything he can to make sure they never come this close to parting again. He knows that this time he is not going to be alone that no matter what comes their way, mountain lions or hard moments from the past, they will get through it together. Allan smiles as he falls into a restful sleep finally feeling like he has hope. His last thought before sleep is to look for some deadfall, some birch branches to take home.

  


**Author's Note:**

> torch = flashlight
> 
> Thanks go to @brokenfannibal and @adreamslight for the beta work! Their valuable help made this story so much better. Thank you both!


End file.
